Snarking in

My local video store is poor but honest; a mom n' pop affair. Pop was once ordering old American movies to supplement his spotty collection and asked me whether he should order "Sleepless in Seattle". I told him no. The shop contains several racks of mysterious (to an American) VCDs - mostly from Hong Kong, Taiwan and Korea. This allows for activity functionally equivalent to snarking out, as per Daniel Pinkwater's classics, but with a distinctive 'east is east' flavor, and without leaving the house late at night. Double-bills are more Pinkwateresque and minimize the chances of total loss. (As Walter Galt says of the world's greatest movie house: "It shows movies I never heard of, and it shows them in strange combinations." And: "I wouldn't say that every movie the Snark Theater shows is good but they're all interesting in their way.")

Tonight was a good night 'snarking in', if you will.

I rented "Black Roses Academy", which turns out to have a pretty good official website. In Singapore it's being promoted by Shaw Brothers. Here are some stills. And you can download the trailer, which I couldn't get to play on the official site.

It's basically "Kill Bill, vol. 1" meets "Casino Royale". Plus giggling girls and a cute guy in a Robin outfit. School girl fu and bikini fu. A sort of Dalek-type robot, "Chopper", equipped with pruning shears and programmed to attack anything 'dick-like'. (This proves the downfall of a shotgun-armed schoolgirl later.) As a result it's pretty tame. Like many Hong Kong comedies: weird but obviously trying hard to be kooky-crazy, which makes it pretty reassuringly normal. The back of the case reads:

Through renting an old mansion, Sandy (Charlene Choi) and Gill (Gillian Chun) gets acquainted but ends up being imprisoned by the mysterious lady owner, Black Rose (Teresa Mo). She forces them to be her disciples and after unsuccessful attempts to escape, the girls seek help from driver Jim (Ekin Cheng). The trio soon discovers the touching story behing Black Rose's past ...

I thought I would just transcribe some dialogue for you tonight. In this crucial scene Gill and Black Rose have made it back to the mansion after fighting with Rose's nemesis and former pupil, Poison Ivy, and her school girl crew. Rose suddenly bursts into song, narrating the tale of her fraught relationship with Ivy to the tune of "Silent Night". The others join in to the same tune:

Rose: She was my apprentice and she was worthless. I worked hard to make her the best. But the thing she was best at is cheating. And she said it was very usual to take ecstacy.

Gill: Her kind is the worst of the worst:

Together: woo-woo-wo-wooooo-wo-wo-wooo.

Rose: So she can't get pregnant.

Gill: She can't get pregnant now.

Rose: She really can't get pregnant.

Gill: For what reason does she want to kill you?

Rose: It's simple. Her dad died.

Gill: In fact my dad also died.

Rose: But her mom is also dead.

Gill: Have you eaten anything.

Rose: Thank you.

Together: Nothing else to say. Wooo-wo-wo-woooo-wo-wo-woooo.

[Jim and Sandy enter, singing]: We've listened to your secret. You're great. Poison Ivy is so bad. She betrayed you.

Rose: I'm badly injured. We can't do anything now.

Sandy: Let us be your apprentices, Black Rose. [the trio bow.]

Rose: No need to bow.

Trio: We are your apprentices [multiple renditions of this line, still to "Silent Night"]

The girls undertake a grueling training regime, wearing ridiculous wigs that make them look like early Jacky Chan. (You know, the big hair he had in "Drunken Master" and some of the other early movies.) Then they give a sort of testimonial to the camera while lounging in bubble bath and such:

Gill: After graduating from the Black Rose course -

Sandy: - you'll be more beautiful and more like a woman.

Gill: There are many methods.

Sandy: They're rather hard.

Gill: But it's fun. For example, practicing Kung Fu. Your body gets stronger and your health is better.

Sandy: Also, your super power is stronger. I'm not afraid of thunderstorms now. You don't believe me? I can prove it. [sticks finger in light socket and jumps around].

Belle and I give it two thumbs up, although it has it's problems.

Comments

[Carlos]

When you say "shotgun-armed schoolgirl", do you mean the regular, Columbine sort, or an Edward Scissorhands kind of deal? (The context only increases the ambiguity.)

[jholbo]

Oh, silly me. The regular sort. The usual sort. Nothing scissorhandish.

[Walt Pohl]

Maybe you can clear something up for me. The villain in "Drunken Master" is played by Tony Orlando, but everyone's just too polite to say so, right?