CSI: Ninth Circle of Hell

World O'Crap takes a break from scaring me with crazy right-wing blather (hint: God doesn't want me to wear pants) to make me laugh with white-hot hatred of CSI Miami!

We hate "CSI: Miami." Why do we watch it? Well, partly because we have nothing else to do Monday nights at 9:00. But more, we watch it to hate.

When we heard the promo stating that one of the "CSI: Miami" cast would die in the season premiere, we hoped that it would be Horatio Caine. We hate him with the heat of 1000 suns. It's one of those satanic confluences of an an annoying actor and an annoying character that together rise above annoyingness to reach, um, hatability.

We hate the way he talks -- both the way David Caruso reads a line, and the stupid lines they give him to read. For instance, one his team will say something obvious like, "Hey, a dead body!" And EVERY TIME Horatio will reply with something portentous and pompous, like "Not dead ... murdered. And it's our job to catch murderers." He'll say it like everybody should be thanking him for pointing this out, because they're, like, such idiots that without him they would have thought their job was to wear designer clothes and look hot. Oh, wait, that IS their job.

And then crime scene investigator Horatio will single-handedly wrestle a gang of murderous rappers to the ground, and will later later show up at their execution so he can quip something like, "You thought it was cool to hook kids on crack. Let's see how cool you are in the electric chair, my friend."

That is so, so true. For some reason they don't have L&O here in Singapore (well, they have Law and Order: Creepy Perverts Doing Shit That Will Keep You Up At Night Unit), only CSI: Miami. Luckily, I don't watch television, so I guess it doesn't matter. But anyway, Caruso sux0rz.

UPDATE: As PZ Meyers rightly asks, what was Gary Sinise thinking? Fametracker tells all:

Sinise is almost fifty now, so we don't begrudge him the regular paycheck and predictable hours that come with signing on to C.S.I.: NY, though we realize it pretty much signals the end of the interesting part of his career. Cop shows are where interesting actors go to die, or at least to retire. (Vincent D'Onofrio, make room at the canasta table for your new friend.) A cop show to a great actor is like a newspaper column to a legendary reporter -- you know, the guy who broke big stories back in the '70s, and now makes six figures to write twice weekly about how he still can't figure out that new-fangled barbecue!

Comments

[Backword Dave]

Good grief! I'm not alone!

The original CSI rocks though.

[PZ Myers]

Have you seen CSI:NY? I don't know how they talked Gary Sinise into signing on to such a pile of crap.

[belle waring]

I haven't seen CSI: NY, and I can's imagine it can hold a candle to even a rerun of sixth season L&O. What was Gary Sinise thinking? Wait, maybe he wanted money.

[Russell Arben Fox]

"Cop shows are where interesting actors go to die, or at least to retire."

Very true, at least in principle. The L&O franchise, in particular, has been very good to its many somewhat tired, generally decent, only just-quite second-rate leading males over the years. Paul Sorvino, check. Michael Moriarty, check. Jerry Orbach, check. Sam Waterston, check. Fred Thompson, check. And now, Dennis Farina, check.

Haven't seen CSI:NY yet, so I can't say how it stacks up against the still rather cool original. But hey, what's the deal with whacking "sixth season L&O," Belle? That was Benjamin Bratt's first season with the show; the one which ends with Kincaid getting killed in a car accident. If they still made episodes as unpredictable as that season's were, I'd still be an addict, as opposed to a mere catcher of L&O reruns.

[Laura]

Flacky: It's a fine day.
Horatio: Yes, It's a fine day [pause, pause, pause flip on sunglasses and gaze at the ocean pondering the deep sadness in this world] for a MURDER.

I love this show just for moments like that. Could probably work this into a drinking game.

[Another Damned Medievalist]

This, my friends, is one of the reasons we pay way too much for our satellite dish -- besides the footie, that is. BBC America. On Mondays, we get to watch Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) and whatever the other mystery is. I'm recording the Sinese CSI on Wednesday (after my bedtime) and admit he's the only reason I'm watching. It annoys me more than anything that all these CSIs wear street clothes while examining a scene and then do interrogations! Mark Fuhrman would love these guys!

[Backword Dave]

OK, I have a question here, because I'm in the UK, and we're behind, and I have no intention of watching CSI:NY even though I like Gary Sinese. For CSI they used "Who Are You?" by The Who which made sense; for Miami, they used "Won't Get Fooled Again" also by The Who, which made some, but less, sense. I was a teenage Who fan, but isn't that the gamut of good Who songs? What do they use for NY? I'll guess "Baba O'Reilly" because it sounds great, but its relevance is nil.
Additional question: Sinese -- two syllables or three? I always thought three until I saw a trailer with an American voice-over which rhymed his name with "sneeze." (I always thought it rhymed with "easy.")

[Matt Weiner]

"The Who Sings My Generation" and "Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy" and that is IT. None of that overproduced, synthed-up grabuge. Look, dude, after a band invents the concept of the rock opera, all their subsequent work gets preemptively consigned to the aesthetic trash barrel. Even "Happy Jack" is kind of crumpetized when you think about it--what's that French horn doing there?

(As usual, I am talking ex recta--I have a soft spot for Quadrophenia and I think the Kinks may have invented the rock opera, and done good work regardless. Also, I wasn't really trying to troll John with that crack about French Horns. The album Who Are You is overproduced, though.)

[Backword Dave]

The French Horns were John Entwhistle, doing what he learned at school. Plus. the man died in Vegas in bed with a hooker. I know the femmes may not appreciate this, but, way to go, man!

Also, "Who's Next" which came after "Tommy" was probably their best.

[jholbo]

Glad Matt and Dave are getting the French horns in there. I remember playing all that John Entwhistle stuff for fun. I tried to learn bass for a while, so Entwhistle seemed like a role model, subsequent mode of death notwithstanding. And let me congratulate Dave on leaving our 3000th comment. It was the one before Matt's.

[Jim Treacher]

CSI: Caruso's Skin Ignites. Every time the hot sun hits his horrible Celtic face, you can almost SEE it sliding off the bone.

[Jim Treacher]

"...or Miami, they used 'Won't Get Fooled Again' also by The Who, which made some, but less, sense."

Well, I think "meet the new boss, same as the old boss" is what Caruso thinks to himself when he wakes up every morning.

[Sharon]

CSI (original): cool. Except for the blonde woman, who is bloody irritating.

CSI Miami: sucks big time.

Trying not to think how bad CSI NY is going to be when it makes it to UK screens.

[Russell Arben Fox]

Saw the second episode of CSI:NY last night. Nothing to write home about. My wife thinks that Las Vegas is the only place with the right combination of lurid filth and cheap glitz to make the mildly pornographic attitude of CSI work. She may be right--I like Gary Sinise, but in that NYC setting he just sounded to me like another one of your typical soulful tv detectives, without any of the borderline creepiness which makes the original CSI work. Also Melina Kanakaredes, having not yet learned how to act, relied entirely too much on the Steely Glare of Justice (closely related to the Steely Glare of Anger and the Steely Glare of Triumph) for my tastes.

[dave heasman]

The big three Who songs were "Substitute", "Happy Jack", and "Pictures of Lily". Great advertisements for payola. Not entirely appropriate for yet another cop show.

[Daryl]

L&O: Creepy Pervs is just about right as a description of Special Victims Unit. Why in the world don't they show the original L&O in Singapore? We get SVU and Criminal Intent, but I need my TNT Jerry Orbach-Sam Waterston fix!

[Gary Farber]

Things unobserved here: the world cries out for a song and dance team of Christophr Walken, David Caruso, Gary Sinese, and William Petersen. The Rock Pack. I want several numbers. Afterwards, a game of "how would you deliever that line reading?" After one round: okay, now. (They'll also do the next "What's My Line?")

Then tap-dancing.

Emily Proctor is cool.

I predict that the next head CSI (wherever) will be Willem Dafoe, followed by John Turturro. Tell me I'm not following a pattern.

Hey, I've actulally eaten hot dogs in Broadway casting agencies, and if proximity doesn't bring expertise, our civilization falls. {and with luck, somersualts creatively.)

[elizabeth]

Someone earlier mentioned a CSI:Miami drinking game - I've read that there already is one. Every time Caruso tilts his head, emoting as he does, you take a swig. I'm sure there are other parts to the game, but this one kills me, because he tilts his head all the freakin' time!

I only watched the CSI:NY premiere to hear what Who song they would use. It is filmed too darkly and indistinctly for me to be a regular viewer.

[Seth Cohen]

I have watched this show since it started and haven't until this episode found myself so angry at the horrible acting to find a blog to comment on. David Curuso is truly a horrible actor. This show is awful and the writers should be ashamed of themselves...

[ramona rae]

i think david curuso is sooooo
sweet. i watch the show because
of him and if i were younger,
a few years, i would certainly
make an attempt to meet him. i
am a senior citizen in love.

[Alan Lemm]

How about this? You take a drink every time Horatio is standing in the "hero pose". You know, when he's got his hands on his hips with his shades on, inspecting the horizon for answers to the mysteries of the world, usually with "artful" camera work and billowing clouds in the background. If you could read H's mind, he'd be asking himself why the criminal element even bothers existing, since he'll just catch them anyway and dispense his own brand of personal justice, even though he's just a forensics "expert" who does nothing but remind his idiot staff just how idiotic they are while throwing around tired cliches, all the while not doing any actual forensic work.

Take another drink every time Horatio appears out of thin air to confront this week's bad guy, without looking directly at him/her, making calm threats about how their on HIS turf now, and, by golly, they couldn't possibly get away with it this time.

Take yet another drink when an impossibly hot woman voluntarily hits on H (file under M for Marisol).

[Matt Weiner]

The Fametracker link should go here now.

[J.C.]

This is quite frankly the worst CSI franchise ever. Its over-the-top stupidity is such that it makes you believe there really is something in the Miami sun that fries brains. Those of the producers at least.

A CSI Miami episode is not complete without:

- The bright orange Miami sky
- Glamour shots of Miami
- Hot (rich?) couple making out
- Party scene
- HoCaine tilting his head/fiddling his shades
- HoCaine tilting his head/fiddling his shades, making moronic one-liner stating the ever-obivous, then moves out of screen, cut to credits
- HoCaine helping a Latina woman/kid in distress
- HoCaine making everything fucking personal
- HoCaine sucking in general (Gee do I hate him)
- The female CSIs in designer wear showing their boobs
- Alexx talking to the dead bodies
- Explosion/carchase/shootout of the episode
- Those giant gas-guzzling shits they drive
- Everyone in the episode being implicated in some kind of crime
- Plain illogical crimes (recent episodes are such that each case has at least 3-5 improbabilities, even more)
- 80% HoCaine talking and 20% inaccurate forensics

I could go on. Calleigh, Frank and to a lesser extent Eric are the only saving graces of this show, and even then it is just so overwhelmingly insipid and plain awful.

I'm just angry because this show simply should not have the label 'CSI'. That is all.

P.S. Numb3rs for life!

[chris]

Thanks for this thread... I started TIVO-ing CSI Miami recently because of reruns of everything else I usually watch. I love the original CSI, but I have always found David Caruso annoying as an actor. After watching about fifteen episodes in the last week, I found myself thinking last night "CSI for stupid people"-- they explain EVERYTHING to the audience-- like we're too bloody stupid to figure any of it out ourselves. And the Horacio Cane character? Popping out of thin air, breaking down doors with his gun drawn, poorly written and even more poorly delivered lines... awful...

Why do I watch it? Sort of like watching a train wreck. I can't take my eyes off of it.

Emily Procter's character is good, though. I'm hoping that Horacio gets killed off and her character is put in charge. She is quirky and smart-- which is what this show needs to make it interesting.

[BeanGuy]

My god that's it! It IS like watching a train wreck!!!

[Xencor]

It is fun..immense fun to watch that fool of an cop...Caruso...in his is ...what he thinks to be stylized depiction. I love to hate this show..my life would be incomplete without it!!!