Black Liquorwitch

I think maybe Cuticle Bomb and (now that I recollect properly) Mint Condition could team up with another lame super-heroine: Black Licorwitch! She can make things taste like black licorice! But, not good black licorice, which I like, such as jelly beans, and even those long bars at the hippie co-op with the panda bears on the label. No, she can make things taste like those weird Dutch black licorice gumdrops which are a) hard, like you're eating an old pencil eraser b) really licorice-y (ordinarily not such a liability, but just wait for..) c) SALTY AS A M^%&^%&*CKER!!!! Now that I think about it, though, if she also had the power to give people the hangover they would have if, the night before, they had drunk an entire bottle of ouzo, then she might be a formidible opponent indeed. Ooh, or what if she could turn any substance cloudy by adding water to it, and then disappear in a jet of liquorish ink! Quick, to the Pernomobile!

UPDATE: Damn, I now see Doc Slack's comment in the thread below to the effect that someone already did the licorice thing. Sort of. What are the odds?!

Comments

[Clownsthesiologist]

Ah, but do you like the Italian hard black licorice drops, which are not salty and smell kind of perfumy? I do, albeit I would not want to have more than one every once in a long while.

[Carlos]

"He reaches in the candy bowl, comes up with a black, ribbed licorice drop. It looks safe. But just as he's biting in, Darlene gives him, and it, a peculiar look, great timing this girl, sez, "Oh, I thought we got rid of all those---" a blithe, Gilbert & Sullivan ingenue's thewse---"years ago," at which point Slothrop is encountering this dribbling liquid center, which tastes like mayonnaise and orange peels."

I've been trying to get my co-blogger(s) to read Pynchon.

[belle waring]

right, carlos, but I think those are technically "wine gums." they seem to be stipulatively bad. what are wine gums, anyway.

[Carlos]

The wine gums I've had were more like... well, the mouth-feel was like a rubber chew toy. The flavor was sort of winey, I guess, in a sort of watered-down Methodist communion grape juice left at the Cadbury plant way. They were just soft enough not to split my gums.

No licorice, orange peel, or mayonnaise, unless the British have taken product adulteration to new and surprising levels.

[deirdre dashwood]

Can't yoou die from eating black licorice? Seems I was at the local granola co-op and one of those woe-is-me German/Dutch/Scandinavian ladies of a certain age, that one always encounters in such establishments, warned me of the dangers of black licorice.

[zwichenzug]

Speaking of super heroes, check out the Philosophical Powers Collection. My favorite is "Hurt 'em" Hume, because he has "constant conjunction Karate chop action!"

[Clownsthesiologist]

I have eaten black licorice and emerged unscathed. But I guess it's a little like Russian roulette.

[M/tch M/lls]

I think there should be an actual Jolly Rancher. And how about Lemon Head. And Juju. Maybe even Laffy Taffy.

[Matt Weiner]

Carlos, out of all of Gravity's Rainbow, that passage was the hardest to read. Ewwwww.

[belle waring]

zwichenzug: my favorite is "Ain't Afraid of Ya-Frege", because he comes with morning star and evening star accessories**

**only one accessory included.

[Doug (not Coupland)]

Curiously, many Scandinavians would be immune to the Witch's power because they grow up eating the salty black version. Indeed, when abroad they pine for it, just like Americans missing peanut butter and Brits or Aussies missing their various foomites.

[Doug]

oops, the (not Coupland) was left over from a Gen-X post here, where I thought the distinction might be relevant.